chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
