I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
