You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
