i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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