The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
