he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
