3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
