I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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