he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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