I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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