Umm I'm too high to move.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
