when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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