Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
