so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
another moral hangover. fuck.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
