You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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