Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
