how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
