i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
