He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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