Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You did what with his pubic hair?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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