he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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