It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
