I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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