You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Green mimosas i think yes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
