My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize