i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
