I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
