I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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