I molested 6 butterflies tonight
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
