They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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