I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Are we still banned from the library?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
