you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
