It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
