I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
