Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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