tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How naked do you want me to be?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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