p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
