new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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