She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize