you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize