Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
