i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
