i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
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