I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love having hate sex.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
