Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
