So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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