Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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