My underwear smells like fireworks.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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