he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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