I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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