You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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