His hands were made for my vagina.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
