If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
