my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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