so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
