Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
