If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We left the knife in your bed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
