we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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