Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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