You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
